Wednesday, March 11, 2015

Six Months of Despair & The Truth - #SOLC15 - 3/11

Dear Dad,

I miss you.  I know I said it would be okay if you had to go, but I'm not okay.  I feel like I am just stumbling around.  In six months, there has not been a single day I haven't thought about you.

They say it gets better.  I will feel better.  I will heal.  It gets easier.  They say to think of how you are now.  You are better.  You are not suffering.  You can finally rest.

The truth is though, I am not better, I am not healing, it is no easier.  I'm glad you aren't suffering, but it does little to comfort me.  I feel alone when I am surrounded by people, but all I want is to be left alone.

I try to make you proud.  To live in a way I think would honor you.  There is you in every thing I do, even in the way I sign my name.  I wish that we'd had more time for you to teach me more things so I could do them like you.  Thank you for the things you did teach me.  I usually think of the concrete things: how to kick a ball, how to swing a bat, how to chip out of a sand trap, how to use a computer, play games, shoot a rifle... and a bb gun, how to fish, to read, to wrap a Christmas present the "dad way".  But within each lesson, there was something more: how to be a leader, a teammate, a big sister, how to be patient, inventive, competitive but still have fun, how to be relaxed, but focused, and how to give, and give, and give.

I have to remind myself daily to keep it together keep it together keep it together.  I can do this.  Keepittogether keepittogether  keepittogether. I don't know if I can do this.  I have lost some parts of myself.  I don't have the patience I used to have.  The understanding.  I don't feel like I am sensitive to others the way I was before.  I am angry a lot.  And I am sad always.

Not a lot is new, I guess.  We found a dog, named her Dot.  I got the head Soccer job in theory, but nothing has been made official yet.  I'm on a technology committee, it's alright.  I'm coaching basketball next year, I'm nervous.  You know it was never my strong sport.  Apparently, no one runs Box1 or Box2 in-bounds any more.  No Stack plays either.  Maybe I'll bring it back old school style.  I don't think I'll carry on the family tradition of being ejected from the game.  I'm still scared to get in trouble, even from a ref.  I'm trying out writing.  I'm not as good at it as you were, but I'm practicing.  It's hard to write about other things.  I'm mostly a journaler.  I mostly just read.

I wish you were still here, but here and healthy.  I wish we never had to do any of this.  They say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, and I keep waking up each new day.  I should be the strongest woman alive by now, though I'm not totally sure I would call this feeling "alive", and a part of me left when you died.

I miss you.  I hope I see you again.
Love Always,
Morgan

http://www.msaawareness.org/

10 comments:

  1. Morgan, your post touches me to my very soul. The loss of a father or mother is like no other. It sounds like your father was a big part of your life...of your growing...of who you are. I lost my father when I was 35....and I still miss his wise words of advice. My heart goes out to you. I wish I could say it gets better...and that it takes time...but I am not you. I can say that your emotions are normal....don't rush them...you need to follow your own time table. Anger and sadness go hand in hand. If you, at some time, feel that you are stuck...you may want to talk about it with someone. Writing in a journal is great therapy...but sometimes...just voicing it to someone. Even writing to someone may help you. I would be glad to listen if you ever feel a need to. You can email me. No pressure, but just an option. My email is jhaworthoy@gmail.com. Take care....your father taught you a lot of positive things...you can find those strengths of his...in your own time.

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  2. I'm so sorry for your loss. You've had the holidays to contend with. That makes it harder. Hopefully you can find peace soon.

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  3. I'm so sorry for your loss. You've had the holidays to contend with. That makes it harder. Hopefully you can find peace soon.

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  4. I've tried to leave a post for you three times, so this time I am going to copy it because if I lose it, I will be able to reclaim it and try again!

    A big CYBER HUG to you. The writing will allow you to heal in an important way.

    You are making him proud. His greatness lives on in you!

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  5. I'm sure your dad is proud of you and hearing your heartfelt words. I lost my dad 7 years ago and I can tell you, while it doesn't ever go away and it doesn't really get easier, you will get better at handling the loss. In time you will feel more like yourself. The way you live and strive to do your best to honor him is a sure sign that you are!

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  6. I am so sorry for your loss. Losing a parent cuts so deeply. My father died when I was 20 and I know I still miss him. Mom died seven years ago and I still go to call her, something I did every day for years before she died. It is a testament to their love and your love for them that feel this pain. I hate to say something trite but it does get easier to bear - you just never forget.

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  7. Morgan, this post is aching with love and loss in a beautiful way. Sending you as much comfort and sympathy as I can.

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  8. Thank you all so, so much for all of your sweet thoughts. This was a tough day during a long week. 2 more days till spring break.

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  9. Wow, Morgan! This was so genuine and real. It takes strength to be this honest. I wish you joy and lots of warm memories of your dad. He sounds wonderful. Thanks for sharing this on SOLC.

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  10. Wow, Morgan! This was so genuine and real. It takes strength to be this honest. I wish you joy and lots of warm memories of your dad. He sounds wonderful. Thanks for sharing this on SOLC.

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